As you are well aware I have a mini me who is just 4.5 years old. And as much as we have fun, and experience new things together we have our battles.. our struggles as mother and daughter who don't always see eye-to-eye on a few things.
Takes me back to my wonder years battling it out with my mom. who then I thought was the wicked witch of the North,South, East AND West.. (sorry mom) but have now come full circle to realize that, not only was she just trying to be a pain in my ass, but my mom was only protecting me, guiding me, instilling values that I pull from now and integrity that I'm trying to plant in my two gems today.
As I sit here on a quiet morning having just sent my little girl into the world (preschool) I find myself constantly catching myself praying over her, hoping I have done a good job in these few years to guide and mold her to be a whole heart little girl in this world, full of so much garbage.
2 mornings a week for 3 hours she is on her own. She says what she wants without being corrected, she is a total free spirit and has complete freedom to be her own person without me peaking over her shoulder. I struggle knowing that I haven't been given enough time, enough hours to make her into who I want her to be, but at the same time try to sit back and say that she has to do this on her own.. But 4 years old??? she is just a baby! I was just holding her swaddled in the few blankets that we had, I was just up at 3am nursing her and singing her to sleep, I was just teaching her how to go down a slide, to put her shoes on the right feet, to drink out of a 'big girl cup', giving her treats for a job well done on the potty.. Where did the time go??? why is she slipping away from me?
in 6 short months she will be going to Kindergarten.. starting her first few years of SCHOOL. I thank God everyday for the opportunity we have been given for me to stay home full time and watch my girls grow, take their first steps, say their first words.. and now I find myself really struggling knowing that she is going to be spending more time with a stranger then nestled under the wing of her mama. Am I weird? is this normal? As I was going through all her baby stuff (having a moment..lol) I came across the letter I wrote to Reese when I found out I was having a girl... Here is what it says.
"Dear Baby Girl,
Hello there, I'm your Mama... wow that sounds weird..I'm only 20. and you have already turned my world upside down(for the better) I cant say you were a mistake, because I would never ever want to burden your little heart that way.. Besides you are so helpless right now, Me and your daddy are all you got to make it in this world. Just because we don't have a house, or a lot of money doesn't mean we aren't going to try so hard to make this the best life for you, to Love you unconditionally, to sing to you, bathe you & teach you.. Its a bit overwhelming only being 20 and pregnant. But your going to do amazing things..and I can't wait to share the possibilities with you
I met your daddy when I was 12. He's great, and he sure does love you a lot already... he sings to you! Do you hear him? he plays guitar for you everyday.. I think you like it because you don't stop dancing each time he plays.. maybe you'll be a musician? or a dancer?
I find out you were a girl a few days ago, I'm so excited to hold you, and kiss you and for you to call me mommy..
We're going to make it little one.. just one day at a time.
Love you forever, xoxo
|the day you came home from the hospital we stayed at my parents house.|
|just hours old.. you were such a perfect little newborn.|
Now each time I read this I bawl.. that time in my life was so difficult, yet exciting.. stressful yet calm at the same time. Reese brought such a different dynamic to our life and to everyone around us. She brought people closer and made me grow up. There are so many things I want to say to her that her little mind just doesn't understand right now.. but one day I will, but until then I wrote her another letter today to staple behind the letter I wrote 5 years ago.
your 4.5 already and so amazing. You teach me new things everyday, mostly how to be a little bit more patient because you are somewhat difficult on days, but more, you teach me to open my heart a little bit wider, to try new things and not to be afraid. Do you know I just played hockey this weekend for the first time? and you were my inspiration.. jumping in with two feet and seeing how we make out is how you roll. You have the most compassionate heart when it comes to younger children, or animals.. you always want to help fix the hurt and mend the broken. I'd like to say you get that from me.. but you are so much better at it!
We moved across the country this year.. Daddy got a new job in Saskatchewan and we packed up almost a year ago.. There wasn't a single day I was so happy to have you and your little sister to talk to, to cuddle.. you made this transition so much easier.. you were so eager to meet new people and try new things. All of my friends here are because of you! Your bubbly personality made it so much easier to strike up a conversation with a fellow mommy.
I pray for you everyday. and every night. Your heart is so pure, even though you tend to get yourself in trouble on most days... but we're working on it ;)
I want you to know how much I cherish you and love you and have enjoyed stepping into parent hood as your mommy.
I pray as you enter these next few years of school that you continue to hold your head up high with integrity, to continue to stand up for the weak and be there for that kid who hasn't made any friends yet.. you are so good at being friends with everyone.
There's not a second that passes that doesn't make me so proud to be your mom. I love you my girl.. Forever. xoxo
|me and my girl|
|our first SK winter. you braved it so well ;)|
So as I wrap up this, I started off talking about courage. And from the moment I found out I was having Reese until now, not a day has gone by that I haven't relied on having courage to face each new day as a Mom.. and as a best friend to these two girls I brought into this world. and I encourage you to take from this that its not roses and lollipops being a mom, far from it. But with COURAGE, DEDICATION, COMPASSION, PATIENCE (the list could go on) do your best.. love your kids, kiss your kids, hug your kids... pray for your kids, you will learn as much from them as they will from you.
“Perhaps it takes courage to raise children..” -John Steinbeck, "East of Eden"